What are the disadvantages of helicopter parents?

Children with overcontrolling parents may later struggle to adjust in school and social environments. Our research showed that children with helicopter parents may be less able to deal with the challenging demands of growing up, especially with navigating the complex school environment. Children who cannot regulate their emotions and behavior effectively are more likely to act out in the classroom, to have a harder time making friends and to struggle in school. Managing emotions and behavior are fundamental skills that all children need to learn and overcontrolling parenting can limits those opportunities. Overcontrolling parenting when a child was 2 was associated with poorer emotional and behavioral regulation at age 5, the researchers found. The kids reacted in a variety of ways, some became defiant, others were apathetic and some showed frustration. Conversely, the greater a child’s emotional regulation at age 5, the less likely he or she was to have emotional problems and the more likely he or she was to have better social skills and be more productive in school at age 10. Similarly, by age 10, children with better impulse control were less likely to experience emotional and social problems and were more likely to do better in school. Children who developed the ability to effectively calm themselves during distressing situations and to conduct themselves appropriately had an easier time adjusting to the increasingly difficult demands of preadolescent school environments.

Children need to learn through trial and error — this worked, this didn’t work. Eventually an overprotected child will grow into an adult and face adult problems: “I’m having trouble getting a job.” “I didn’t get accepted to that program I wanted.” “That guy didn’t ask me to marry him.” Whatever it is, if you have no tools in your armory for coping with disappointment, for struggling and persevering, then you’re in trouble. I think that kind of lack of resilience — the feeling of being overwhelmed as an adult and unable to cope — often ends in depression. Having obstacles to overcome is what helps children to build resilience, to develop coping skills to deal with things that are difficult. Having parents who set limits enables kids to internalize their own moral compass. They learn to say to themselves some form of, “No, I really can’t do that; that’s my limit.” If you didn’t provide any of this kind of training, it’s going to be harder for them to set limits for themselves. What builds confidence in kids is working hard at something and seeing that something real was accomplished — even if it is partially a failure. Confidence comes from making the effort, from persevering, from coping, and seeing the results. Helicopter parenting is problematic because an overprotected child will grow into an adult and face adult problems: A child needs to develop tools for coping with disappointment and for struggling and persevering.