What is the psychology of a bully?

Psychological bullying is also known as covert bullying or relational aggression. It is underhand and relies on spreading false rumours, turning people against the target and often happens in school and online. Gaslighting creates uncertainty, not only in the victim but also for those in a position to help. It is where the bully tells the victim they are imagining something… Phoebe’s breakdown was a result of psychological bullying and gaslighting. Autism can often be used as a tool against the victim…. Without physical bruises, these forms of bullying can be harder to prove. Bullying is too often dismissed by those in authority Phoebe was often told her upset was due to her perception of events and they put more attention on finding inaccuracies in her experiences than solving the problem. With covert bullying it is harder to prove wrong doing, though the physical and psychological effects on victims can be apparent.

Bullying is a distinctive pattern of repeatedly and deliberately harming and humiliating others, specifically those who are smaller, weaker, younger or in any way more vulnerable than the bully. The deliberate targeting of those of lesser power is what distinguishes bullying from garden-variety aggression. Bullying can involve verbal attacks as well as physical ones, threats of harm, other forms of intimidation, and deliberate exclusion from activities. Overt physical aggression such as kicking, hitting, and shoving is most common among younger children, relational aggression—damaging or manipulating the relationships of others, such as spreading rumors, and social exclusion—is more common as children mature.

Bullies are generally defined as people who intimidate or control others to achieve their aims. They may collaborate when their goals are being met, but they lack fairness or honesty. People wrongly assume bullies have low self-esteem, but their behaviour is actually a response to internalised shame. Although some people who live with shame have low self-esteem, those who behave like bullies tend to have high self-esteem and hubristic pride. They attack others to take away their shame – which allows them to remain unaware of their feelings. Attacking others not only blots out the shame they are feeling, but it also stimulates the experience of power. Although bullies diminish others in an attempt to raise themselves up, they are not conscious of how bad they feel about themselves. Through their behaviour, their own feelings of inadequacy remain hidden. Diminishing others keeps shame out of their conscious awareness. Bullies can only stop their behaviour once they develop the ability to tolerate distress – rather than acting aggressively – and learn to positively process their shame.

Bullying is persistent threatening and aggressive physical behavior or verbal abuse directed toward other people, especially those who are younger, smaller, weaker, or in some other situation of relative disadvantage. Cyberbullying is verbally threatening or harassing behavior conducted through such electronic technology as cell phones, e-mail, and text messaging.

So why do bullies do it? People learn how to bully others early on through what psychologists call modeling and social learning. This means bullies see other people bullying and they essentially model, or copy, this aggressive behavior. Media is a big culprit here. When mean or violent conduct is glamorized and gamified in music, video games, TV and movies, bullies will imitate what they see and hear, especially if it seems cool or if it’s rewarded. Family is also an influence. If children grow up in a home without kindness and closeness, but with plenty of physical punishment and heavy conflict – including parents fighting with each other – then children view this behavior as acceptable. They can go on to treat their peers this way. A similar thing happens when a kid falls into a group of friends who are bullies; they become more likely to bully others themselves. To say it another way, they bully because they think it makes them look cool in front of their friends. And bullies bully for lots of other reasons. Some do it because it makes them feel better about themselves when they put other people down. Other bullies discovered that force and intimidation worked for them in the past, so it’s a go-to strategy to get what they want. Still others simply have difficulty controlling themselves and can’t calm down when they’re angry. And with some bullies, it’s just a way to get ahead.